There is a new Tom Hanks movie out called “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood“, about the life of Mr. Rogers. There is one scene that’s being mentioned over and over again in reviews. While sitting in a diner during an interview, Mr. Rogers asks a reporter to be silent for one minute. Mr. Rogers doesn’t speak, the reporter doesn’t speak, for one full minute. A full minute to just listen. There are no flashbacks, no inner-dialog, only silence. Two men are just sitting in a restaurant booth. A minute of silence with no action in a movie feels like an eternity. It’s something we all need to practice. Continue reading
This blog is not like most of my posts. Oct 25, 2019, is a day that people will remember for a long time in our town. It might be too soon for this, but here is a short take on a terrifying night that has changed many lives.
Thursday night, a firestorm tore through our small valley, leaving miles of destruction in its wake. The orphanage was saved, and no one can explain how other than the hand of God. I write this with the acidic scent of burnt brush, trees, plastic, and wood in the air. Ash is still in piles and swirls around my living room, blown through any random crack or window seal during the firestorm. As I write this, it’s pre-dawn on Sunday morning, looking out my window at large dark swathes of our town where homes once stood. I still feel the rush of adrenalin as I remember standing with friends and family and watching much of our town burn just 48 hours ago. Continue reading
The idea of social media and short-term missions was brought up to me three times in the last week. It also comes up a lot when you run an orphanage as to how much exposure the children should get online. When and how do we post to social media? What are we saying when we do? It’s a complicated issue. How do you engage people back home and not use photos of cute poor kids or needy areas? Continue reading
Do you feel called to open an orphanage? Trust me on this, lay down until the feeling goes away. If you still want to open an orphanage, continue reading.
I wish orphanages didn’t exist. The first choice for caring for abandoned children should be extended family. If the extended family is not an option, then children at risk should be placed with healthy families. Unfortunately, placement with a family is just not an option for many children. Most orphanages are filled with children who, for one reason or another, are not adoptable or are very difficult to place. Orphanages care for children with multiple siblings, children with physical or mental challenges, children with an extended family that cannot care for them but still hold parental rights, etc. So if orphanages have to exist (and they do), they should be great, and run by people with vision and the skill sets to make them a fantastic place for children to heal and grow into healthy adults.
Regularly, people contact me who feel lead to open orphanages. My first question is always: “Who is going to run it?” Putting up buildings is easy(ish), on-going funding is harder, but living at, and running an orphanage can be hugely challenging and is not for the faint of heart. Continue reading
We all have childhood memories that stand out. It might be a specific Christmas, a family vacation, maybe it’s just a moment from your childhood where the smells, sights, and emotions are still vivid in your mind. That time you sang karaoke with your dad, or when you made cookies with your mom. I hope these memories bring joy when they appear at those random moments. For children in orphanages or foster care, many of the memories they carry do not bring joy. It is our responsibility to tip the balance of good to bad memories in the right direction.
For most people caring for children at risk, the focus is on the basics. They might not have the know-how or resources to work on anything past keeping the children alive. In many areas of the world, orphanages struggle to stay open. It’s a day-to-day challenge to keep food on the table and the lights on. If the absolute basics are covered, you can start the next level of healing and restoration. As with anyone, the hierarchy of needs kicks in. The basics first, then the extras.
When a child first comes into a home, even if it is a stable, well-run home, the fear of uncertainty can take a long time to overcome. Food hoarding is very common with new children; they aren’t sure when they will be fed again because they weren’t fed where they were before. It takes time and consistency to bring a child to the point of moving forward. They also have a hierarchy of needs. If they don’t feel secure in the basics, they can not begin the healing process.
Once you’ve reached the level of providing the foundational needs, and a child knows at a profound level that they are in a safe place, the long process of healing can commence. A new chapter in their story can be written.
Joyful childhood memories are not created in a moment or an event; they are built over time. Childhood memories are a rich tapestry of intertwining threads brought together to create an overall image. It should be an image of joy, security, a connectedness that we all need. Only by consistently blending in the bright colors can you begin to soften the dark tapestry that has been the assembled experiences of a wounded child. You can never fully cover the darkness that exists, but you can brighten the edges, you can lighten the right areas. The darkness of the past, when handled correctly, can ultimately bring a greater depth to the child’s image of life. With God’s healing touch, those dark areas can be richly used down the road. God can use the dark experiences to bring empathy and understanding. But this healing doesn’t happen easily, or quickly, it takes years of security to bring perspective as a child matures.
It’s the collective details that matter. Not that we have all of the answers, but in our home, we have found that consistency and traditions go a long way to bring a sense of security into a child’s life.
One of the first things the other children tell a new child in our home is how OUR tooth fair works. I have a large ceramic jar on my desk, when a child loses a tooth, they know to bring it to my office, drop the tooth in the jar, and get the cash. (Yes, I know it’s disgusting, but I have decades of teeth in that jar.) Occasionally a child will come over with a convincing tooth-like rock to trick me; I’ve learned to ask to see the hole where the tooth came out. While writing this, two different children came over to show me their loose teeth, so I know to be prepared. We’ve had adults, raised in our home, come back years later and casually reach over to shake the jar to see how full it is. It’s a memory they’ve carried forward and blended into their tapestry.
My wife hates the backend of what we do, the fundraising, the paperwork. The public side of our work makes her crazy. She wants to be mom; she wants to create those memories. She gives every single hair cut; it’s an automatic one-on-one time with every child. They can talk, spend time together, and experience the moment. My wife also makes the birthday cakes, in a BIG way. Every child gets an elaborate custom cake on their birthday. Some of the older kids have started to help, learning baking and cake decorating, frequently decorating cakes for their own siblings. To most kids in ordinary families, a birthday cake is expected, usually picked up from Costco or the grocery store. For a child in a care situation, a cake means the world. It’s not uncommon for their first cake here to be the first cake of their lives. Also, to have that level of attention in a crowd of children in a home shows them that they are unique and deserving of honor. A cake to an orphan is not just eggs, flour, and sugar; it’s healing.
If you work in foster care or with orphans, thank you. Working with children as risk is hard work and not for the faint of heart. I hope that you’ve moved past the basics and are working to create new, better, richer memories for the children in your care. Whether it’s the tooth fairy, a birthday cake, or any other detail that creates special memories, always remember how important it is. It might not seem like it at the time, but you are working to create a new tapestry for a child, you are tipping the balance of memories in the right direction. The details you create bring healing to a child.
You can help me by sharing this on Facebook or wherever you hang-out online.
This is an updated post from about two years ago, new posts should return next Monday. Blessings
Recently one of the boys we raised, who is now an adult and on his own, stopped by my office and asked if we could talk about a few things. He and his brother were dropped off at our home by their father over 20 years ago. Their father visited once but then disappeared. Sadly this happens way too often.
Frequently, for one reason or another, a child or a group of siblings are brought to an orphanage and the family is never heard from again. Hopefully, whatever orphanage they’re left at has the resources and skills to help move that child from the pain of abandonment through the long journey to healing. Adoption is always a good option. But the reality is that once a child is over the age of about five, they won’t be adopted, especially if they have siblings. The orphanage will become their home; the orphanage staff will become their family.
When a child is dropped off, and they are old enough to know what’s going on, they begin the grieving process just as anyone who has lost a loved one. They have lost their family and life as they knew it. They begin to go through the various stages of mourning: grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These can vary from person to person, but less than you might think. We humans are very predictable creatures.
Whether a child was abandoned or removed due to abuse or neglect, their first reaction is always denial. “No, really, my parents are going to come back for me.” or “My mom is in rehab, this time, I know it’s going to work.” We hope that the child can eventually go back to a healthy family situation, but the painful reality is it’s not the norm. More often than not, if the family cares enough to visit, they sometimes make the situation harder by making false promises, to the child and maybe to themselves. “It will just be a few weeks, I really am coming back for you.” or “Your dad and I are getting back together, then we can take you home.” These types of promises rip the wounds open again leaving the child stuck in the denial stage, living in false hope.
The next stage in the healing process is anger. If a child reaches the point of being pissed off at their parents, we are thrilled, this means they’re moving forward in the process. I remember one 11-year-old boy who had been with us for about three months. He was here with two younger siblings and was starting to settle in. One Sunday, his mother showed up to visit. He was seriously angry; wanting nothing to do with her, he ran to hide behind one of the buildings on our property. I walked back to talk with him, and as I approached, I could see he was so angry he was trembling. I sat down with him and told him he could do whatever he wanted, “If you don’t want to visit your mom, you don’t have to. Go hang out with your friends or spend time in my office; I don’t care.” I just confirmed to him what he already knew about his mom, that she’d done nothing to earn a visit and it was OK to be angry at her. I believe my response did two things. First, it shocked the heck out of him. Second, it showed him he was in a safe place and that we would be here for him. It turned out to be a pivotal day in his healing process.
I could write about the different levels of mourning, but I’m sure you get the idea at this point. The healing process is slow, painful, and depending on the person can take weeks, months, or sadly sometimes years. We hope that every child moves through the process and reaches acceptance as soon as they are able. Until an abandoned child (or anyone who has experienced tremendous loss) can reach that point of acceptance, it is incredibly difficult to begin to rebuild their lives.
Once a child reaches acceptance, they can start over. They can start taking school a little more seriously knowing they’re not ever going back to their old school. They can start making real friends knowing they probably won’t be leaving in a few weeks. Most importantly, if they’ve landed in a healthy orphanage or care situation, they can begin to bond with healthy adults who are committed long-term in the child’s life.
Even if a child reaches acceptance and begins to move on with their lives, it doesn’t mean the pain has gone away; the pain just softens over time. For most children, as they move into adulthood, they reach a point where they will try and find their biological family. If years later, reunions can be arranged, it’s not always the Hallmark moment we envision. Occasionally they can rebuild a relationship with their family, sometimes they’re rejected all over again. People are messy and messed up.
I opened up by sharing about the young man who came into my office. I’m incredibly proud of both him and his brother as they’ve grown into healthy, incredible men of God. The older brother is married with two children and has demonstrated an incredible commitment to his wife and caring for his family. It was the younger brother who came into my office. He wanted to talk over the situation that, after twenty years, he and his brother had recently found family in another state. He had just talked with his “biological” mother. He has no memory of her, but they’re planning on visiting her next summer. The draw to know your biological family is strong and we’re tremendously happy for them both. (I’m tearing up as I write this)
The second thing he wanted to talk with me about was also life-changing. We were planning a get-together with many of the children raised in our home, and he was asking permission to propose to his long-term girlfriend in front of his true family at the party. (She was also raised in our home.) I think he’s reached a good place, a place of wholeness; God has restored this abandoned child.
There is hope for an emotionally wounded child, if they are lead to the master healer, and allowed to grieve in His arms.
Update on the young men in the story: The brothers visited thier mother, it went well but she is still a stranger to them. They are getting to know each other. Since this was first published two years ago, the young man who came to my office is now married and they are expecting thier first child in Dec. My pride of this young man runs deep.
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With all the mass shootings lately, people are quick to express opinions on gun control and gun regulations. As horrific as the mass shootings are, they are a symptom of a much larger problem. The mental health of shooters often comes up, in the vast majority of the cases, the shooters have used some type of behavioral medication. The one common thread through almost every shooter’s background is the lack of a strong male figure in their lives. Dad was not there.
It’s human nature to emulate the people who are closest to us. Whether we want to or not, we take on the attitudes and characteristics of the people with whom we spend the most time. As much as our friends influence us, the people who care for us when we are in our formative years ultimately have the most significant impact on our lives.
The people parenting us when we are very young are the people who determine who we become. These are the people we want to make proud, and we remember at key moments in our lives. They shape how we approach experiences and relationships. Our parents shape our reactions to the blessings and challenges that we encounter. Although change is always possible, it gets harder to change our basic personality as we get older, the patterns have been set. The early examples in our lives manifest themselves later on, whether we want them to or not.
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Over the last few years, while I wasn’t paying attention, I turned into my dad. While I was growing up, “consistent” is the word that would best describe him. He worked the same job for years, home by 5:10, dinner at 5:15, recliner and evening news at 6:00. We were at church EVERY Sunday at 8 am. As my dad aged and then retired, he started looking after his health more, focused more on gardening, and his woodworking (he was a true artist). My life pretty much mirrors this, although I’m not the level of woodworker he was. I’ve kept the same schedule every day for years. In the last few years, I’ve gotten more into gardening, and I’ve set up a wood-shop. As I was arranging my tools recently, I realized again how much I miss my dad and how much I’ve turned into him. Those generational examples can be broken, but it’s complicated. We generally become the people who raise us. I was blessed with an incredible dad, but what about children without that father figure in their lives?
Running a large orphanage, or even being involved in orphan care, you spend a lot of time thinking about parenthood, and the impact it has on a child. Too often long term childcare situations, whether it be foster care or orphanages, focus on the basics. This is entirely understandable, there is a hierarchy of needs, and we need to have the basics covered. Food, shelter, medical needs, education, etc. are all critical in raising children. These basics will keep a child alive, but do they create emotionally healthy adults? Children will not mature in a healthy way without consistent positive examples that they can learn from, and emulate, as they grow into adulthood.
Many orphanages worldwide operate like most families in that they need to focus on the basics first. Out of necessity, anything beyond the basics of keeping children alive doesn’t happen often. In families, the hope is that by default, one or two reliable parental figures are there to provide an example, a pattern to follow in life. In orphanages and long term care situations, the father figure can be elusive. No child belongs in a system, but there are children in long-term care situations in almost every culture in the world. How do we do better? How do we provide more than the basics to keep them alive?
Although I’m a huge advocate of short-term missions, short-term teams do almost nothing to provide long term examples for the children who need it. What short-term mission teams do offer, is the support the long-term staff and missionaries need to stay the course, to remain in the child’s life for the long-term. Orphanage staff need the support and encouragement of teams and individuals behind them and praying for them.
If you work in orphan care, please know your work matters. I know from experience, there are many days you ask yourself why you’re doing what you do, and if it makes a difference. It does. You won’t reach every child; you won’t always have the opportunity to touch a child’s life long term. But when it works, it can make all the difference in a child’s life. Please keep it up; it’s worth it. You might be the only example a child has to model their life after. Do it well.
You can help me by sharing this on Facebook or wherever you hang-out online.
And don’t forget to order your copy of Reciprocal Missions from Amazon.com.